Picture if you can a series of ladders standing side by side. The tops of the ladders disappear into the distance far beyond where your eyes can see, and the bottoms are resting in what appears to be quicksand. Let's start with an examination of Ladder #1. On the bottom rung of your first ladder is engraved the word "SHAME." As you reach up and begin to climb, thinking to climb out of your shame, you find to your surprise that the ladder sinks lower and lower into the quicksand, and your efforts are bringing you no closer to your final destination. Of course, you don't even know what your final destination is, and in reality it does not exist as the ladder goes on forever. But you do notice one change as you climb: the lettering on the rungs has changed from "SHAME" to "PRIDE."
Yes, pride and shame go hand in hand, two sides of the same coin. On a quarter, one side is "heads" and one is "tails" but it is STILL the same quarter, no matter which side it lands on. Pride and shame are like that. It is actually the belief that we CAN be good enough that shames us when we are not. The truth that God's love is freely given, IN SPITE OF US, is both wonderful and powerful. If you find yourself on this ladder, I suggest to you that you ask Jesus right now to show you His truth in your heart in such a way that it sets you free from this bondage.
Now let's take a look at Ladder #2. This one is just like the first one, but the labels are different. On the bottom rung is inscribed "DEPRIVATION." Once again as you try to climb out of your despair the ladder sinks beneath you into the quicksand, but this time the rungs begin to read "SELFISHNESS." What does this mean?
As with pride and shame, a belief in deprivation goes hand in hand with self-centeredness. As you struggle to survive in a deprived environment, you learn to "look out for yourself", to "protect yourself", to "build walls against wounding", and to trust only yourself. Contrast this with Jesus' instruction that you must be born again - that you must in fact DIE to self - in order to be truly free. So the ladder of deprivation causes a paradoxical struggle: what you most desire is love, nurturing and caring from another, and what you cannot allow yourself to receive is love, nurturing and caring from another. And the pain grows as you continue to climb and climb and climb...
If this is your ladder, I suggest you go to Jesus in prayer right now, and ask Him to show you His truth in your heart. Ask Him to break down the walls of selfishness and to destroy the patterns of deprivation, and to replace them with a full knowledge of His love and a rebirth of a new "self", made new in Christ. Read Isaiah 61 for His promises regarding renewal and rebuilding.
The next ladder begins with "VICTIMIZATION." The view of yourself on this ladder looks inferior and insecure, less than others and never good enough. You accept the degradation of others because of a belief in deserving it, and these lies allow your unique identity and personhood to be robbed. As you climb the ladder, the victim role turns into "JUSTIFICATION." You feel completely justified in your anger, because of the terrible ways you have been treated. This justification turns into a "moral high ground" where you begin to look down on others, and you may feel superior because of your martyrdom. But the true purpose of the justified position is for self-protection. The perceived distance and separation that the high ground affords you from others, that sense of being "above it all," gives the false appearance of safety from hurt. Any position on this ladder includes feelings of insecurity and inferiority; so, looking "down onto the masses" also gives the illusion of "perfection" in a self-directed attempt to overcome that perceived inferiority. In fact, a tendency in behavior toward perfectionism often accompanies this ladder, along with a tendency to disconnect and shut down your emotions. From this stance on the "high ground" without access to compassion or mercy, the victim becomes the victimizer.
Take note here that I am not saying anger is wrong or sinful. Scriptures tell us that it is possible to be angry and not to sin in our anger. We also see many examples of God's righteous anger against sin. However, USING anger as a means of self-protection and justification for degrading others IS sin in our anger. Certainly, if anyone was "justified" in being angry against His accusers, it would be Jesus. He had done nothing wrong, yet was tortured, rejected, deserted and killed. What was His response? He could have called down legions of angels to protect and fight for Him, yet He said, "Father, forgive them." It was NOT IMPORTANT to Him if He was justified; instead, He focused on seeing His accusers as they were, in darkness, and loving them there.
If you see yourself on this ladder, go now in prayer and ask Jesus to completely dismantle it. It is critical to understand that each of these ladders is an inclusive whole: in other words, you cannot have shame and condemnation WITHOUT also having the accompanying pride; it is also true of deprivation and selfishness, and of victimization and justification. To be rid of shame, you must also be rid of pride, and vice versa. Therefore, do not fall into the trap of believing if you BEHAVE in a way that does not APPEAR to be victimizing, that somehow you have defeated the victimization/justification ladder. No, the feelings of inferiority will still be present in your heart, and feeling justified in your anger will still dictate your responses and eventually the supposedly-justified anger will surface. Jesus has the power and the authority to dismantle the ladders in your life. The only requirement of you is WILLINGNESS for Him to dismatle them.
The most important part of prayer is listening - so ask and then LISTEN quietly for His still small voice. He is right there with you. And He wants you to know the truth, so that you can be truly free.
